This will be poorly written and post-edited.
I’m not sure what to write but I my head is swimming and I’m going to try brain dumping some things to see what happens.
This may not be a good idea.
10 months in China and I feel very much like I’m repeating the same problems over and over. I’m stressed and under pressure, from myself and others, but mostly myself.
Today my train card stopped working and I have to go to the other side of the city to get my $30 back. I want to scream at something.
I thought I knew what I was doing. Go to China, learn some mandarin, get a cool job, rock out with great people. But I’m bouncing from bliss to apathetic misery every other day. Need to lookup bipolar.
So many of the books I’ve read these last few years carry the advice to work hard, to hustle, that if you want great things you have to own it and perform. Fucking survivor bias.
However it’s not just the books. It’s more so you guys. You who fill my Facebook feed with awesomeness and remind me that greatness is possible. You start companies, take amazing photos, speak 3 languages, get married, move across the world, write amazing articles, sail the south of France, build businesses in 3rd world countries, drive Ferraris and try to change the world.
I love you all. But you also shit me to tears.
And I know what I see is the highlights. The behind the scenes hard-work and pain gets filtered.
I know I don’t see the 20 projects you tried which failed miserably. I know I don’t see the deal that didn’t go through which you poured blood, sweat and tears into. I know I don’t see the breakups, the fuck-ups, the visits to hospital, or the terror that you don’t know what you’re doing and you pray that know one notices.
I know I make it hard for you too. Every ego pic and trophy update that I make completes the cycle. Feed the monster. Click “like” and tell me I’m awesome.
Where’s the hug button?
I want to drink a bottle of scotch with Jen and Simon and laugh at our incompetence. I want to overdose on passion-fruit juice with Sarah and drink 6 cups of coffee with Greg.
I want to go skating and be out of control and crash and get up and laugh about it.
A balanced life
This balance is precarious. I seems impossible to keep an even keel.
Stop comparing, live in the moment, tell someone you love them. Don’t rush to be happy. Stop and chill out and don’t worry what time it is.
Fuck you Zen. They didn’t teach this in school.
Simplify, simplify, simplify. I know where the answer lies but every day seems to thwart my plans.
Manage energy, not time.
Don’t burn yourself out making decisions that don’t matter.
Eat well, sleep well, exercise. Companionship.
Sounds great until someone suggests burgers for lunch and KTV until 2:30am.
Take that, well laid plans!
Make it work
My logical brain says focus on 1 thing. Just do 1 thing and do it well.
Manage a product, find an apartment, study mandarin, go rock-climbing, find a girl, update website, shoot a video, listen to audio book, do taxes, meet new people, make friends, organise a conference, wash clothes, return train card, meditate, research API development.
All due Tuesday 5pm.
By now I feel like I should know how to handle this. Delegate, prioritise, practice ignorance, schedule for later, ignore, unsubscribe.
Focus. Damn that’s hard.
Do my best with the resources that are available to me. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Care about the people and relax.
I hope someone reads this. Validation. Or maybe selfishness.